This is a repost of an infamous internet list archived here for posterity. The original version of this quotes page was on Geocities and has been lost to the mists of time.
"I cast detect evil." "You pass out from the overwhelming evil." "I cast detect evil." "You pass out from the overwhelming evil. After about a minute, Moe wakes up." "I cast detect evil." ~ Moe / Ceres (DM) / Exsam / Ceres / Moe Comments: "How many times must one be scalded by a hot pan before one realizes its hot?" -- Jaimas
"The Wemic picks up the unconscious wizard." "Can I have an AoO because he isn't paying attention to me?" "Umm, I guess, sure. That makes sense." "I disarm the Wizard that the Wemic is holding, and he's at -4 because he's unproficient!" "No wait, you can't do that!" "Okay, I sunder." "...roll a disarm." ~ DM / Draco / DM / Draco / DM / Draco / DM
"Hey, remember when we were in front of that big metal thing with a knob?" "That was a door." "....Oh yeah." ~ Bryan / Jaimas / Bryan
*Creates Fireball* "Let's play catch!" "I suck at that. Let's play DDR!!!" "...What?" *Throws Explosive Caltrops* ~ Wizard / Jaimas / Wizard / Jaimas
"I may not be strong, smart, or attractive.... But I am AERODYNAMIC!!!" *Brett Poses* "That could come in handy in a moment...." "Blow on me." ~ Brett / Bill / Brett Comments: Bill is 6'8" and 318 Lbs. Brett is 5'10" and 146.
"You called her a 4-Armed Freak?" "...I was angry." "You apologize to your great-great-grandmother this instant!" ~ Barrin / Jaimas / Barrin
"I examine the Switch." "It reads, in about 3 languages: 'WARNING: SELF-DESTRUCT MECHANISM. DO NOT TOUCH! WE MEAN IT! SERIOUSLY! DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT! NOT ONE LITTLE BIT! WE'RE WARNING YOU!" "I press it." "The writing fades, and it now reads: 'Guess you didn't fall for it. Oh well.' A small compartment nearby then opens." ~ Steve / Jaimas (DM) / Steve / Jaimas
"But my doctor said I'm not supposed to be on fire!" ~ Gerdef
"Aim away from eyes and face." ~ Warning on a wand of lightning bolt.
"The enemy is planning a huge attack! I am a courier sent to deliver this message! It's their battle plans!" "Throw them up!" "OK." *Slash Wads them up then throws them up* *Guard picks up and Reads* "What does it say?" "Dear official: There will be a large--" *EXPLODING RUNES* ~ Steven / Guard / Steven / Alex (DM) / Steve
"I'll wait here for your signal." "All right." *Hour Passes* "Where is that signal?" *EXPLOSION* "There it is." :D ~ Jaimas / Bryan / Jaimas / Jaimas Comments: This is related to the quote immediately above.
"You're dead if I get Greater Exploding Gem." "Why?" "I'll grapple and shove it down your pants before it blows!" "......." "Thermonuclear Suppository." "Preparation H-Bomb!!!" ~ Jaimas / Dave / Jaimas / Dave / Steve / Bryan Comments: Ow. Just ow.
"Jaimas' fierce territoriality is offset by the fact that he packs enough punch to level a building in a hit." "That's 2 downsides!" ~ Taran / Bryan
*The bard begins to sing and strum a tune that sounds strangely like an Earth Christmas song* "Slashing through our foes With a good two-handed blade Over the corpses we go And through the gore we wade. Mace on helmets ring Making bodies fly What fun it is to sing out slayinng song and watch these suckers DIE! Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells don't let them get away! We're brave and bold for fame gold We'll make a lot to day! Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells don't let them get away! We'll hack and slash and blast and trash And blow these dudes away!" ~ Moe Comments: Moe is a half-orc bard.
"Dehydrated mage. Just add water." ~ Exsam (DM) Comments: Our mage got killed by horrid wilting.
"We have the material components! We can rebuild him!" ~ Ceres Comments: One of our party members got killed, but we have a cleric that can cast True Resurrection and we had a few diamonds that were worth enough for the spell.
"I smite him!" "You don't have that class ability." "Sunder?" "You do that to weapons." "Rend?" "Savage Species feat. You don't have claws on your feet." "Hew?" "You don't have that class ability." "All the good words are taken." ~ Ceres / Zach (DM) / Ceres / Zach / Ceres / Zach / Ceres / Zach / Ceres Comments: They are!
"Rary's Telepathic Bond is good." "No, it isn't." "Why not?" "I can accomplish more or less the same thing with a 0-level psionic power - and they can't talk back." ~ Dave / Jaimas / Dave / Jaimas
"Mordenkainen's this. Mordenkainen's that. Mordenkainen's something or other. WHO IN THE HELL IS MORDENKAINEN?! F%$^ MORDENKAINEN!!!" ~ Jaimas Comments: He was playing a psionicist.
"In Soviet Russia, Diplomacy checks you!" ~ Mirutamoor Comments: His response to me saying that I was rolling a diplomacy check.
"You guys ALWAYS kill gods when I'm out of town." *pouts* "Erich, no one but Moe got to participate!" "Well how was I supposed to know a GOD would only have 900 HP?" ::strangles Moe:: ~ Erich / Exsam / Moe / Ceres (DM) Comments: I friggin' hate that character of his.
"Unlike that last puzzle, where the solution was a strength check." "That wasn't a puzzle. That was a trap!" ~ Moe / Exsam (DM)
"I just killed a balor! Balors explode!!" ~ Ceres Comments: Toy Story reference.
"I have a talking Bow!" ^_^ "I have a talking, armored dog with a tail blade!" :D "........" ،_، ~ Dave / Bryan / Dave
"Warning, Magic is for external use only - Consult your Cleric before use." ~ Potion of Fire Breath
"Dude? Where's my skeleton?!" ~ Adam Comments: He was revived after being imploded.
"I look around for a clue of some sort... Such as a business card." "'Would you like to become the undead slave of a creature of evil? If so, call 1-800-SUCK-ME today!'" *Pulls out Cell Phone and calls number* "S'busy." "Lydia? You're calling yourself." "Oh yeah!" ~ Lydia / Erich / Lydia / Jaimas / Lydia Comments: I'm only a little worried in that campaign about her.
"I grappled a gelatinous cube." "That sucks." "I succeeded!" "....How?" ~ Ceres / Taran / Ceres / Erich Comments: I really don't know.
"The creature resembles a deformed head, with enlongnated fangs and batlike wings. It has tendrils extending from its scalp, and its eyes aglow with green flames." "It's locked in the cage?" "Yes." "I cast " "Ahh! My eyes!" ~ Jaimas (DM) / Ceres / Jaimas / Ceres / Taran Comments: We were having DND in a chat room, and I decided to play with font color. This action was coined by Moe, however.
"I hate Elysium. And everyone in it." ~ Jaimas Comments: Just a bunch of people who won't shut up about what they did in life.
"I seriously doubt Jaimas would put us up against a CR16 Creature so soon." "It was pretty..." "She was incorporeal." "She was hot!" ~ Ceres / Taran / Erich / Brett Comments: We saw the ghost of a young woman.
"Hey jaimas, remember the time when we met..." [flashback] "I like bows!" "I like swords!" "Argh!" [end flashback] "I still like bows!" "ARGH!" ~ Dave / Dave / Peter / Jaimas / Dave / Jaimas Comments: That's what happens when you have two fighters in a party.
"What are those 'slicer things' on hunters that Zach mentioned?" "Oh, the spikes?" "Aye." "Razor spikes." "Tell me more about that." "..." "It this another 'Hey, you. Can you help me kill you?' situation?" "Yes." ~ Ceres (DM) / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam
"I inspire courage on my friends." ::talks out his PDA and plays the Lord Of The Rings theme:: ~ Moe Comments: Moe, interestingly, is a half-orc bard.
"What's the weather like outside?" "20. I mean thunder!" ~ Margo / Zach
"We do not deserve hurting." ~ Gerdef Comments: With him saying 'gnome' so much, that's up for debate.
"I have oh, so much to read. Although I never finished reading the original PHB or DMG. My laziness has been rewarded." ~ Ceres Comments: I got the 3.5 books.
"Gnome! I can't stop saying 'gnome!' Gnome!" ~ Gerdef Comments: Who else?
"I'm annoying. My character isn't." ~ Gerdef
"What's the creature with the biggest jaw in the game?" "The Terrasque." "Right. I shapechange into that and drop my jaw to the ground." ~ Gerdef / Ceres (DM) / Gerdef
"Your mount's smarter than you!?" ~ Exsam Comments: Lousy paladin.
"What does restoration do?" "It cures all." "So what's the point of greater restoration?" "It's better!" ~ Erich / Ceres / Erich / Ceres
"We're gonna wake up dead." "You don't wake up dead!!" ~ Erich / Exsam Comments: Exsam has, actually.
"You all wake up." "That's a good sign." ~ Zach (DM) / Erich Comments: It is!
"This forest bodes." "How so?" "I just does. ~ Erich / Ceres / Erich
"Jaimas, I need an idea for a campaign." "Save Exsam's ass!" "Which one? Exsam has named every one of his characters that and they all need to be saved." ~ Ceres / Jaimas / Ceres
"I need to make a cleric to the god of pain and name him Yao Chi." ~ Ceres
"Heal me, please!" "Ok, it's been a while, so I'm rusty." ::casts inflict light wounds:: "OW!! You've got it backwards there." ~ Ceres / Prix Honor (NPC) / Ceres Comments: So far, he's healed me the same ammount he's inflicted me.
"I refuse to march behind pickles." ~ Gerdef Comments: Erich was using the Hand Of The Mage, which lets you cast Mage Hand at will, to make a bunch of pickles float in the air to disarm proximity traps. Gerdef, the paladin of the party, refused to let the pickles take point.
"You find a door." "We break it down." "Do you want to see if its locked first?" "NO!!" ~ Zach (DM) / Exsam / Zach / Exsam Comments: This from a character who only has 5 constitution...
"...when Tempus was vying to become the wad of gore..." "Wad of gore?" "God of war, wad of gore. They lead to about the same thing." ~ Erich / Zach / Erich
"I'm gonna carve 'WHOOP ASS' on my gourd of infinite libations." ~ Zach Comments: Zach is a drunken master, so it really is a gourd of whoop ass.
"When I said, 'death before dishonor,' I meant alphabetically." ~ Exsam
"Jaimas considers Exploding Gem a suitable answer to a taunt." ~ Elhena
"Always throw the royal advisor out the window." ~ Ceres Comments: They're always the bad guy.
"You see a bunch of footprints of varying sizes. You can't tell which ones belong to your friends." "Actually, he can." "How?" "I have my name engraved on the bottom of my boots." ~ Zach (DM) / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres Comments: It seemed foolish when I did it, but it's been rather useful.
"Gentlemen, I am afraid the news is rather grim." "He's dead?" "Nay. But he claims to have contracted... THE FORCE." "The force?" "YES. THE FORCE. The very 'force' that he claims destroyed 'Darth Vader's Death Star,' whatever the hell that is." ~ hospitaler / Jaimas / hospitaler / Jaimas / hospitaler Comments: Kevin was using telekenesis, a lot.
"You are in a jar... I mean bar!" ~ Ceres (DM) Comments: I'm going to start a game at some point where they really are in a jar.
"Uh, I failed my Use Magic Device check by 11, which means that it goes horribly wrong. What happens?" "Well, you now know that it's a Wand of Lightning Bolts. You also know to hold it by the other end next time." ~ PC / DM
"Cast Magic Missile! Oh, wait, you don't know that spell." "You don't know Magic Missile! What the hell kinda mage are you?!" "I'm a cleric!!" ~ Ceres / Exsam / Erich
"I'm going to be a transmuter. I can turn anything into anything else." ~ Dimitri
"I feel they should have named Song and Silence: Loot and Lutes." ~ Jaimas Comments: They should have!
"I had to feed my character. I mean cat!" ~ Jaimas
"The stench of death is in the air..." "Did you fart?!" ~ DM / Steven
"Lat flies like a bat outta hell." "Like a Lat outta hell!" ~ Exsam (DM) / Ceres
"I go to the public library and go to a random section." "You find a section on bunnies." "What!? Ok, I look at how thick the books are." "Most of them are pretty thin, except one." "I take that book out and skim through it." "It's on extraplanar bunnies." "..." ~ Ceres / Exsam (DM) / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres / Exsam / Ceres Comments: DND with a very tired DM.
"Suddenly, the wall slides down behind you and locks into place. You hear a loud voice in common say 'Prepare to be judged.'" "Okay, I change my deity to the good guy." ~ Jaimas (DM) / Brian
"I call divine spark!" "And the way I sees it, we shoul' jus' take thispark an' put in a bottle! Thens we jus' go kills'more gods, gets'more sparks and put 'em in more bottles until we've gots enough for everyone... an' then we's drink 'em! An' everybody's happy!" ~ Exsam / Zach Comments: At that point, I gave Zach a huge load of exp for the roleplaying.
"So who's this Velsharoon guy again?" "He's the god we just killed." "Oh, well that would explain why I have his arms." ~ Zach / Exsam / Zach Comments: As I said, Zach roleplays a drunk quite well.
"Look at me! I'm Velsharoon!" ::waves the arms of Velsharoon around:: "Look at Velsharoon dance!" ~ Zach Comments: Zach is a drunken master, and during the fight with Velsharoon, he pushed his intelligence down to 3 to get his strength up to 37. Zach roleplays a drunk well.
"I think we gained at least a little respect with most of the gods." "You've been upgraded from 'naught' to 'gnat.'" ~ Exsam / Ceres (DM) Comments: The party killed a god and thinks they should get some respect for it.
"Erich, you read my scroll. Er... mind." ~ Jaimas
"Nah, we need to make sure we totally trash the damn thing. Torch it!" "Let's do both! Fill it with wine, then light it, just as we are about to drop it out the window!" "Right. You two pyros, stop for a minute." "I just remembered that marble doesn't burn very well." "That was what I was waiting for you to realize." ~ Erich / Taran / Ceres / Erich / Ceres
"When Jaimas jumps on the bag of chips, he gets all the benefits of a barbarian rage!" ~ Steve
"Roses are red. Violets are costs more Have you ever read Explosive runes before? BOOM!" ~ Exsam
"Margo -- Sure Erich -- Deffinitive maybe Daniel -- I have no idea what he's talking about" ~ Ceres Comments: I was evaluating the chances of having a DND game that day
"Anyway, back to the game." ::keeps talking:: "Uh, guys?" ::keeps talking:: "Pi is exactly 3!" [complete silence] "I'm sorry it had to come to that, folks." ~ Ceres (DM) / everyone / Ceres (DM) / everyone / Zach / everyone / Zach Comments: He really helped me out there.
"Roll a knowledge (planes) check." ::rolls a natural 20:: "OK, you knot the species, the plane its from, the area of that plane, and the names of its immediate relatives." ~ Ceres (DM) / Erich / Ceres
"C'mon! Give us something tough to fight, quick!" "OK, you see an adamantine golem." "I run like a little girl." ~ Exsam / Ceres (DM) / Erich Comments: Erich is a wizard.
"Make the rogue take point!" "Who's the rogue?" "You are!" "Oh..." ~ Exsam / Gerdef / Zach / Gerdef
"I smite thee with the universe!" ::hits Zach with a large stack of DM notes:: "Dude? Where'd you get the cheese?" ~ Ceres (DM) / Erich Comments: Erich, master of the non-sequitur.
"As far as a piece of living Lava can look bad, this looks bad." ~ Ceres (DM)